I currently reside in cancer purgatory. Even though I have another follow-up appointment on the thirteenth of this month, no one will be able to tell me anything until the follow-up taking place in the middle of February when I get my next MRI.
I will find out if my cancer is gone right around my birthday. This will either lead to an awesome birthday... or one of my most difficult.
Not knowing isn't easy. I realize no one is guaranteed so much as their next breath... but this is different, close. I still plan for my future, as much as anyone can with no money or career prospects, but what little I can picture for myself is on hold until I'm given the answer. I'm suspended in midair, legs lazily moving but going nowhere.
It's agitation, pure and undiluted. It's upset. It's blessed time not everyone has so I feel like crap for feeling this way. I just tell myself this is necessary time... the hitch before the next breath. The moment the song ends before the applause begins. What can I learn if I listen to the stillness, this pause? And can I calm enough to hear it?
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