I currently reside in cancer purgatory. Even though I have another follow-up appointment on the thirteenth of this month, no one will be able to tell me anything until the follow-up taking place in the middle of February when I get my next MRI.
I will find out if my cancer is gone right around my birthday. This will either lead to an awesome birthday... or one of my most difficult.
Not knowing isn't easy. I realize no one is guaranteed so much as their next breath... but this is different, close. I still plan for my future, as much as anyone can with no money or career prospects, but what little I can picture for myself is on hold until I'm given the answer. I'm suspended in midair, legs lazily moving but going nowhere.
It's agitation, pure and undiluted. It's upset. It's blessed time not everyone has so I feel like crap for feeling this way. I just tell myself this is necessary time... the hitch before the next breath. The moment the song ends before the applause begins. What can I learn if I listen to the stillness, this pause? And can I calm enough to hear it?
Sunday, December 10, 2017
Friday, December 8, 2017
Cancer antigen test
On November 29th, I saw Dr. C. for the first follow-up appointment since treatment ended. Before the appointment, I had blood drawn. One of the tests was a cancer antigen test, something I'd never heard of before. It is a test used to see if treatment is working.
A day or so after my appointment, my results came back. I was at a 6.7 which is considered within normal range! I was stoked. It seemed like everything might turn out. Then, I decided to see if I'd ever had the test done before. I had... once in August before treatment began. It used to be a 7.2... progress! But, wait. 7.2 is also considered in the normal range. So, progress, but nothing earth-shattering.
I keep telling myself any decrease is good. I only had a few little spots, so the change wouldn't be huge... right? I try to be positive. But, since it wasn't definitive, it was a letdown I can't afford to linger on.
A day or so after my appointment, my results came back. I was at a 6.7 which is considered within normal range! I was stoked. It seemed like everything might turn out. Then, I decided to see if I'd ever had the test done before. I had... once in August before treatment began. It used to be a 7.2... progress! But, wait. 7.2 is also considered in the normal range. So, progress, but nothing earth-shattering.
I keep telling myself any decrease is good. I only had a few little spots, so the change wouldn't be huge... right? I try to be positive. But, since it wasn't definitive, it was a letdown I can't afford to linger on.
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