Complaining... because I need to (no holiday)

Tuesday, everything seemed back on track.  Fourth dose?  Done!  Injection to keep my white blood cells up?  Administered.  I left the hospital feeling slightly confident and chipper (well, as much as you can after chemo).

You see, the injection and when my next appointment fell meant I could have Easter with my family!  I tend to miss at least one family holiday every single year.  2018:  I had surgery to remove the mass in my chest and missed Thanksgiving.  2017:  Thanksgiving was again absent because I was recovering from internal radiation.  2016:  Almost died Easter weekend and spent it in the hospital.

But, 2019 was looking up!

Until they switched my chemotherapy day to Monday instead of Tuesday...

Chronic pain means you rarely do days out, much less back-to-back.  So, no Easter.

If that isn't enough of a kick in the gut, I was also told I have blood work I have to do at the local hospital Monday or Tuesday this week.  I was supposed to be given a slip at my appointment.  The specialized van service in my area can't fit me in because it's last-minute.  My husband and I will either try the bus in our area or walk down and back if the sidewalks are clear.  I don't know what to do if I can't make it.

I spent most of the day yesterday crying and sleeping.   Few things in life I hope for tend to come to pass.  Maybe the energy of small hopes will end up in bigger ones...

Neutropenia, the last appointment, and not wanting to go

I had dangerously low white blood cells on Tuesday.  I was told by a nurse practitioner because I saw her instead of my oncologist.  Why?  I don't know.  Maybe Dr. Y. was on vacation.

I asked the nurse practitioner if we could give me the injection to remove the white cells from my marrow and give me chemo.  No.  I asked if I could have the injection before she sent me home to guarantee I could get chemotherapy the following week.  No.  Why?  I don't know.

Tomorrow, I see a different nurse practitioner.  Tomorrow, I find out if my body produced enough cells to get the green light for treatment.  I don't want to go tomorrow.  Why?
*~*
Tuesday was difficult for me.  I didn't feel listened to by the nurse practitioner or her assistant.  I had more pain than normal (chronic pain is a plague on my existence).  I do fasting blood tests and chemotherapy days are long (I didn't eat for twenty hours).  I counted on completing chemo by a specific date; the finish line helped me hang on.

After recovering from the trip, I had a good week.  No increased side effects.  My husband and I played video games and spent a lot of time together.  I wrote blog posts, made sure a project of mine could continue, and edited my forthcoming chapbook.  I had energy to sing.  There were no naps!  I was me again!
*~*
Today, I cried.  I don't want to feel sick again.  I don't want to lose my ability to think or my energy.  I don't want to deal with another nurse practitioner who dismisses me.  I don't want another bad pain day.  I don't want to make a trip for no reason.

I don't wanna, I don't wanna, I don't wanna!

Know what else I don't want to do?  Leave my husband a widower.  Everything else is temporary.  So, I will go and hope for better things.  Sometimes, that's all anyone can do.