I have over 240 Christmas songs on a playlist. My white tree glows softly with lights that remind me of multi-hued fireflies. There are three bags of candy in my freezer; presents festooned with self-adhesive bows beneath the tree, and daily Christmas specials on my television. And yet, it could be April.
My mind just can't settle into a holiday groove. If I feel it at all, my brain slips off like Teflon. It isn't something I can force. There are too many other things to think and feel.
It bothers me that I can't find enjoyment. This could possibly be the last Christmas I ever have (though I'm hoping not), and I can't even feel the warmth of the season. I'm being cheated as I race through the dark. The bleakness itself is punishing. There is nothing fair about cancer.
On January 2nd, I have a PET scan scheduled. January 4th will include labs and an appointment with my oncologist. My 2019 is screeching in with uncertainty, and it's not the tingly, anticipatory kind.
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