Cancer has a way of distorting

Big things become little and little things become big.  No, we aren't in Wonderland.  We're dealing with cancer, which distorts aspects of life I didn't think about.

I'm good at internalization.  So good, my digestive system hates me and will never be anything close to "normal"... hasn't for years.  I try everything I can think of to reduce stress:  Breathing, listening to music, singing, reading... more.  Books can take me away for a while, music helps a bit.  Nothing makes a significant dent.

I need my marriage license so the hospital can copy it.  Right now, they have me under my maiden name.  It doesn't matter that my referral came under my married name, that I never had a record there to conflict with "new" information, that I married Mr. Davicob over a decade ago... nope.  They need it, or a photo ID.  I, like a lot of people who don't drive, don't have an ID.  My marriage license, turns out, is missing.  No real problem, just need a copy from the county.

But... my husband and I searched and searched.  But... we need it for my insurance to go smoothly.  But... it's another trip in a hell-fire week my body will have to endure.  It will get to the hospital eventually.  But...

The missing marriage license is a small thing, easy to fix.  It feels huge.  It can make me cry where my cancer diagnosis didn't.  I'm a plate-spinner keeping twelve plates rotating when three more spring up.  I can't handle more.  More just keep appearing.

When I'm not overwhelmed, I try to commit various aspects of people I love to memory.  My husband's beautiful eyes, the sound of my mother's voice, my brothers' laughs, my sister's sarcasm... so many things.
When I'm not overwhelmed, I go through my memories:  The chirp of morning birdsong, family camping trips from childhood, meeting my husband for the first time, my grandma's gorgeously decorated cakes...
I've always done this, went through my life like I could one day lose the tiniest piece and never possess it again (though I have trouble with wanting more, ever more).  There is a new urgency to remember life.