TW: Self-harm
My doctor thinks I have a small, internal bleed (ulcer). I must go back to iron supplements and stop taking my measly dose of daily Ibuprophen. If things don't improve with my next set of tests, I'll need a scoping. Been there, done that... twice.
*~*
My real problem is stress. I internalize it, bathe in it, wrap it around me like a shawl. I don't often talk about what's bothering me for multiple reasons (few people want to hear it, anyway). I've tried various things to relieve it over the years. There isn't much to dent it. I can't turn it off.
The last few years were hard. Two different cancers, apartment renovations, surgeries, an ill parent... more and more.
The month I was told I was in remission, I fell into a depression. I cried every day. I had bite marks up and down my arms (I've self-harmed since I was a teenager because it's a surefire way to cope with overwhelm). A handful of people closest to me knew what was going on, but I didn't share the severity. I didn't want to die, but I had a strong urge to disappear. Thankfully, the storm of emotion only lasted a month.
*~*
Now that the renovations are over, I'm still in remission (as far as I know) and we're sliding into my favorite month soon, perhaps the strain will lessen. I hope so.
The thing I'm fighting against currently is the feeling of futility. But, that's a post for another blog.
