I saw Dr. Marvelous yesterday and had an MRI. I was travelling and at appointments for ten hours. My brain isn't working well. My body is even worse. Even typing sparse sentences is difficult.
The MRI shows no signs of the tumor! Looks like I'll be able to celebrate my birthday on Sunday a little lighter of heart and a bit more certain of the future. I'm happy. So happy.
But, everything has been difficult. It's been so hard that my thoughts and emotions are on a merry-go-round pushed by lions dressed as mermaid clowns in the middle of a tornado. Maybe when I get my energy back I won't feel or think like this.
My apartment complex is going to be renovated this year-- doors, windows, counters, carpets, everything will be replaced. They mentioned something about making it more accessible which, while good in theory, might be terrible because I'm not the common cripple the ADA guidelines work for. Put in a carpet too rough and I can't crawl on it. "Fix" the bathroom and I can't shower. They do one wrong thing and my husband and I will have to move. There will be more meetings... we'll see what they say.
Another thing bugging me: I have more time to live my life (which is great), but what do I do with it? I'm almost 33. I've done nothing positive or exciting with my life for about a decade now. There will be no children, pets, jobs, houses, travelling, college education, etc. Between being a dirty scrounger on the dole and having chronic pain and health issues... there isn't much I can do with the time I'm given that will have a major impact. I try, furiously. But it feels futile. It seems most of my energy is simply used to keep me alive.
In August, I will have another CT scan and see my team again to make sure the cancer hasn't taken up residence elsewhere. I hope it hasn't. If it has, we'll deal with it again until it's gone for good.
It's just been too much. Maybe I won't feel this unrelenting ball of conflict in a few weeks. Maybe an opportunity will come along and guide me to where I need to be. But it stinks right now. I just have to get through it.
